Merry Christmas

The latest ornament additions to our Christmas tree, made with love by Dawn and her parents.

What follows is an editorial I wrote last year at about this time. My community had been suffering following the deaths of several people that had died too soon. I thought maybe my words would help ease one person's pain, even if it was only for a minute. I copied it to my blog at the time. . .

*****

For everyone that is feeling the excruciating pain that the loss of a loved one brings this Christmas, please know that you are not alone- not to rejoice because others are hurting, but to take comfort in the fact that others understand your pain and grief.

It was just over a decade ago that my grandpa died on Christmas Eve. Not that he really had any control over his time of death, but, I believe in my heart that he knew Christmas Eve was the only time the entire family would be together. We all got to be with him that night as he slowly faded. He couldn’t have chosen a more perfect time to die- surrounded by the ones that loved the him most. He wouldn’t have had it any other way. And while the memories are still painful, they are peaceful as well. We all still miss him immensely.

I came across the following words last night in book called The In-Between by 

Erica Staab. It’s an incredible and powerful short little book about the journey we take when we are in the process of healing from the depths of the pain and grief 

that only the loss of a loved one brings.

"When I listen closely I can hear your heart breaking, I don’t have to know what caused you such pain, what tears at the fabric of your heart. I can feel how deep your loss is, I can see the tears held behind your eyes. I can hear the catch in your voice when you say “I’m fine.”

Although all of our journeys look different-

often they begin in the same place-

that of torn faith, of a shattered heart,

of a moment in time where the world stopped

and where life seemed to stand still..." 

For everyone reeling from the pain of a lost loved one this Christmas, take comfort in the love that family and friends bring. Know that at sometime in the future, you will be okay. Take comfort in the fact that you are never alone.

Peace and love to everyone this season and Merry Christmas. 

Wrap yourselves in the arms of your loved ones and rejoice.

*****

At the time I wrote this I was thinking particularly of my good friends that had lost their infant son a few months before as well as two other friends that had just lost their husbands to cancer. Besides those deaths, my daughter's best childhood friend had just lost her mom when she was hit by a drunk driver and a another good friend of my kids was killed in a hunting accident. There had also been a host of others in the community that had passed. My heart was so incredibly heavy at the time. Little did I know that a short eight months later it would be our family and friends that would be the ones reeling from the agonizing pain and grief of sudden death. Little did I know that we would be the ones with shattered hearts struggling to face our first Christmas with a gaping hole in our family. And, yet, we are not alone. 

Sadly, since my mom, sister-in-law, and niece were killed in August, my dear friend Julie (whose mom is also a dear friend of mine) was killed in a car accident and another dear friend lost her first grandchild. And still there have been others. More families that are reeling from the pain of death. More families that are attempting to move forward with shattered hearts. . .

Although the next couple of days will be extremely difficult for us, we'll somehow manage. We'll tell stories, eat too much, and laugh until our sides ache--despite the fact that our hearts are broken. We will go on.  

We will go on with hope for brighter days, with love for one another, and with joy (and sorrow) in our hearts. Even though it's so difficult right now to look ahead to the next chapter, our family's story has so much more to be written. 

Make you have a blessed, joyous, and peaceful holiday season. Take comfort in the love that family and friends bring. Take comfort in the fact that you are never alone. Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas. With love. . . 

The perfect tree. . .

Christmas Tree 2012- A tree filled with love and memories.

In case anyone was following my mini Facebook saga last weekend- I am happy and relieved to report that my missing Christmas ornaments were found, safe and sound, tucked away in the dark abyss between our garage and house. Over the course of the weekend I had looked through every nook and cranny, high and low, in search of the ornaments. Finally, thanks to a tip from my youngest, I found the missing treasures. During the adventure I discovered that apparently we never got rid of any of the kids' old toys (the attic is jam packed with them) and I found the blue Mason jars I had been looking for (they were tucked neatly on a shelf in plain sight, go figure). I even took a few trips down memory lane as old trinkets that I had packed away for safe keeping kept surfacing in my quest. As most days are since the crash, the entire weekend was bittersweet. Tears and laughter, joy and sorrow. . .

I'm guessing some of you are wondering how I could lose boxes of Christmas ornaments over just a year's time. I should maybe explain that while, yes, it would be possible in my world to do just that, we actually hadn't put up a tree for at least the last five years, maybe more. (Gasp! I know, but my kids turned out just fine despite the Scroogieness.) This year, of course, was different. I knew I had to put up a tree. Thanks to the Clara City Lions and their annual tree sale, I was able to get a near perfect pine of some sort for only $30 bucks. Anyways...

Although I knew deep down that my ornaments were somewhere in my abode, I was beginning to get a little panicky. I tend to go on throwing binges occasionally and I wondered if they had accidentally been tossed. I didn't entertain that thought for long though because if that would have been the case, I probably would have needed a shot (or ten) of valium. You see, other than a few plain red balls, I have yet, in my 43 years, to purchase a single Christmas tree ornament for my tree. Nearly every one of the ornaments has been given to me or my kids by my mom.

I don't know when my mom started purchasing ornaments but I do know that I have my own box (somewhere in my house) dating to my first Christmas way back in '69. When my kids were born she continued the tradition. All three of the kiddos have ornaments, some that are just dated and others with short handwritten greetings on them, back to the years of their birth.

It's funny, even after I stopped putting up a tree, my mom kept giving me ornaments. She even started giving me boxed, filler type ornaments. Really? I thought as I piled those boxes up in my closet year after year and wondered why she was still giving me ornaments, especially the multi-pack boxes of fillers. I could maybe see the keepsake variety, but the boxes?

One of the filler ornaments. It's funny because I
would  have picked the same thing!

Love the simpleness!

I always appreciated every ornament that she gave over the years, although I never quite grasped the entire reason why. There were even times over the years that I thought geez, I'd like to decorate a tree with my own ornaments that I had picked out myself (FYI: I at one time had an extremely bratty side to me. If you don't believe it, because I know it's hard to believe, ask my brothers. I'm sure they'd regale you with a few several tales.) You know, I wanted that perfect department store tree. I couldn't see the bigger picture. 

This year (on so many levels) was different. I got it. I saw the bigger picture. As I unpacked ornament after ornament, it dawned on me what my mom was up to all these years. She had been busy creating the perfect tree for us- a whimsical mix of ornaments that over the years became a tree that was rooted in tremendous love and beautiful memories. You can't buy perfection like that in a department store.

A greeting with love from Grandma!

This must be from the year I
swore off McDonalds.

It's funny how so many things take on new meanings after we finally see the bigger picture. Ornaments that were once thought of as nothing more than a simple, heartfelt gift are now sparkling reminders of a mother's and a grandmother's unending and deep-rooted love. Every year now, for the rest of my life, Christmas memories of my mom will be front and center in my heart when I decorate the tree. It will be the same for my kids as they will soon have trees of their own. This year when I take down the tree, I will be creating boxes for each one, filled with their own ornaments of love and memories from Grandma Marty. Which brings me back to the boxes of filler ornaments. . .

My mom, in her quiet wisdom, knew that someday, I'd return to putting up a tree. She also knew that the kids would someday get their own ornaments leaving my tree pretty sparse. Of course I would need something to put on the tree and the boxes of filler ornaments would work perfectly until she could repopulate my tree with newer keepsake ornaments. I can only imagine the beauties she would have found for me.

For years to come, I will have the perfect foundation of beautiful ornaments, handpicked by my mom with love, to create a new tree--one that blends the old with the new and will be forever rooted in love and memories. And that, to me, is the perfect tree.

 These two beauties above were given to me this year from two women that now occupy a tremendous space in my heart-- Stacy (Michelle's sister, Julia's aunt) and Christi (Michelle's step-mom, Julia's grandma). These new additions to my tree are hanging with incredible love. They remarkably blend in perfectly with the old and couldn't be a more wonderful addition to the foundation for future trees-- ones that will be filled with love and beautiful memories.

A day of joy, love, and sorrow.

 

November 21, 2012

Today, I was reminded--more than once--how fragile life really is. I was also reminded that time spent with friends and family is always, always special. Be intentional about making time for loved ones and cherish every second that you get with them.

For everyone facing the holiday season with the recent loss of loved ones heavy on your heart- seek out joy despite your sorrow and know that you are not alone in your heartache. I know around our house that we will be grasping (no doubt through an enormous amount of tears) for every ounce of joy that we can find. Gratitude will also be in abundance as we have so much to be thankful for.

Happy Thanksgiving and safe travels to all. May you be blessed with joy and love. . .

_________________________________________

A note: This may seem familiar to some as it was my FB status for Thanksgiving 2012. The day before Thanksgiving was a truly incredible one-- a day filled with joy, love, and sorrow.

I began my day over coffee with a dear friend. We laughed and cried, and then laughed and cried some more. Spending time with dear friends is always a blessing. 

Mid-day--an amazing 60 degree day in November--I got to hike, skip stones in the Minnesota river, and soak up nature at its finest with my son, his fiance, and my dogs. Spending time in nature--with my kids and my dogs? Always a blessing.

The end of the day brought me to the scene of a fatal car accident. Although I have been a retired EMT for a few years, it all came rushing back to me. . .  and I knew there wasn't anything that could be done to save a life that evening on the highway. I prayed while waiting for the rescue squad as I knew all too well the sorrow that this man's family would soon be enduring. And then I prayed some more. . .

One of the many things I have learned over the past three months is that life, at times, is completely RANDOM. We never, ever know exactly what is in store for us. We can only take it as it comes--the joy with the heartache--and hope that at the end of the day we  have done our best to make the world a better place. We can only hope that we have done our best to spread love and joy to everyone we meet. 

Living in the present

The glory of the past echoed in my rear view.

Halloween morning, as I was heading down the road to work, the skies were a paradox. In front of me was the remnants of the night sky--complete with the faint glow of a waning moon--and in my rear view, a glorious sunrise was beginning to paint the skies dazzling shades of orange and yellow. In retrospect, I wish I would have taken the time to snap a panoramic photo; but, instead, I opted to grab a shot from my rear view. At the very least, I knew it would capture the gist of the moment.

My very first thought was, “Wow, if the sky isn’t a metaphor for my life right now, what is?” In my rear view was the glorious past. A past that was full of the everyday ups and downs of being part of a big, loving family. A past where smiles and laughter ruled. A past where our family was whole, intact, complete.

The view out my windshield was so very different. Ahead of me was the dark grey horizon, skies that were so very representative of a future that was now so uncertain for the “rest of us.” A future where every moment seems to be bittersweet. A future that has often looked so very bleak for our shattered and shaken family.

I shook my head at the irony of the scene. So often times people tell us to let the past go, to not look back, to move onward and upward, and blah blah blah...I thought to myself. Those sayings hardly apply to such a horribly tragic event like the one in my family and for others that have experienced sudden loss.

Upon arrival at the office I made my breakfast, sat down to skim through my emails, and catch up on my reading. The first thing I saw was an article entitled Happiness is the Value of Every Moment by Gaia Mori. In my state of self-pity that morning I wasn’t really up for the “you can be happy if you choose to be yada, yada, yada” type of article but the first line of the piece really screamed for my attention.

“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.” ~Norman Cousins.  Wow, he nailed that one on the head, I thought. Okay, I was hooked and decided to keep reading.

The author then asked the question, “What is happiness?” Obviously, it’s a pretty subjective thing I thought rather snarkily, you really can’t define it, so why even try? Nonetheless, I kept reading and when I got to the following words, the light bulb went off. "I believe happiness is the complete mindful attention and bliss found in the present moment; the present moment is beautiful and fundamentally perfect. Therefore, one must choose to be happy right now in the present, because this is all that exists." Another wow moment. Could it be so simple? 

Almost like clockwork (which happens quite often when I am self-absorbed enough to engage in major doubt) my phone rang, it was a “Happy Halloween” call from my six-year old nephew. To hear his sweet voice on the line talking like we had just seen each other yesterday brought such instantaneous peace and joy, I can’t begin to really even describe it. All I knew was that in that present moment, I was incredibly happy.

A short while later, my son Taylor and his fiance Dawn finally made their wedding date official-- June 21, 2014. Again, a sea of happiness flooded my soul. I allowed myself to be completely joyful in that moment and it was good, very good. Apparently though, I hadn’t learned my lesson yet because the joy-filled moments kept coming. 

Taylor and Dawn- June 21, 2014. 

A text from my bestie needing help with her third-grader’s Halloween party? I’m there. The unexpected time with a classroom full of giggly eight and nine year-old's was pretty awesome and uplifting. There was definitely joy there.

Then, on my way to pick up the hubs, a full-on, complete double rainbow appeared in the skies. Seriously, I couldn’t believe it. The significance of this moment for me was the equivalent of a 2 x 4 slapping me upside the head from above. On any other day, I would have been sobbing hysterically at this sign from the heavens but not today, not in this moment. I laughed, took pictures, and thanked God for that enormous sign of love (all while managing to refrain from shouting out with joy and dancing on the side of the road).

A portion of the double rainbow!

Trick or treaters, candy, family-time, and a cold beverage at my kitchen table with my best friend brought a close to this joy-filled day. As far as days have gone lately, this one was pretty great. Had I not listened to the message so obviously being sent and had I not chosen to be happy in the present that day--despite the sorrow I was feeling-- I would have missed out all of those incredible opportunities for joy.

Life so often comes at us hard and fast. We don’t always have the luxury of choosing to be present in the moment. Sometimes, emotions different than what the present moment requires may suddenly overtake us, spinning the present totally out of control. We may long for a past that we can no longer have and we may worry about the future, even though we can never know for certain what it may bring. The only thing we have is the present. By being present in the moment, whether it’s painful, happy, or somewhere in between, we can truly be authentic to the now. We may not be able to be happy in every moment; but, by truly experiencing the present for what it is, we can begin to hope for a time when our past- no matter the joy and the sorrow that it holds- is not the sole definer of our futures. Living in the present allows us to look in the rear view mirror, to reconcile our past with the now, and to look to the future with hope. It is with hope that we can slowly inch forward to a time in the future when our happy moments far outnumber our sorrowful ones.

Among other brilliant words of wisdom in the article, Mori quoted the Dalai Lama, “When one truly and with every fiber of their being accepts death and the mystery of the future, there is nothing left but to appreciate the present moment." There is nothing left to but to appreciate the moment. Well, those words were one final "wow" moment for me.

So from this day forward, I am challenging myself to accept the yesterday of the rear view mirror and embrace the mystery in front of me. No matter what your life situation may be right now, I challenge you to do the same. I know that it won’t always be easy--in fact, some days will totally and completely suck-- but I also know that deep in my heart, there is hope for brighter skies ahead. I know in my heart that there is hope for a future where the view from the windshield is glorious!

P.S. The original article can be read in its entirety here: http://tinybuddha.com/blog/happiness-is-the-value-of-every-moment/. It's definitely worth the read!

#joy #loss #life

On being courageous. . .

Courage: “The quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face 

difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear.”

BE COURAGEOUS. These two simple words were shared with me by a family member that had received them in a message of encouragement not long after a drunk driver killed my mom, sister-in-law, and niece. At the time I was moved by the simple but powerful message. I jotted it down in my journal later and vowed to make those words my next tattoo.

Over the course of the last several weeks those two words have echoed in my head again and again. It wasn’t until a few days ago though that I actually really got the message. These two words were not only simple and powerful-- they were brilliant.

Being courageous applies to everything and everybody in their own way and in their own time. What’s courageous for one, may not be for another. What’s courageous today, may not be tomorrow. What’s courageous for our family now, might not be a year from now. Being courageous knows no boundaries. It allows us to conquer life on our own terms and face our fears on our own time-- being courageous allows us to do what we need to, when we need to, so our lives can go on. Being courageous allows to forge (albeit slowly and painfully at times) ahead in our lives no matter what life has to throw at us.

Being courageous is so much more than conquering something big. Being courageous is sometimes just conquering the little things in our everyday lives. I thought of all the courageous things I have witnessed, not only in my family and friends since the crash, but at other times in my life. Then, I realized that I witness people acting courageously all the time. I think of the abuse survivors that I have worked with; I think of the people that I know with addictions, with mental illness, with unhealthy relationships, with physical illness, or of those without jobs, housing, friends, or family-- so many people acting courageously every single moment of every single day.

Some days, it's the little things, like finding the courage to simply get out of bed. Other days, it takes courage just to stay there. It takes courage to reach out when you need help; yet, it also takes courage to go it alone for a while. Some days, it takes courage to be there for somebody when they reach out and some days, it takes courage to give them space when they need it. It takes courage to open your heart to pain (or to the pain of others) but it also takes courage to guard your heart when necessary. It takes courage to cry until you have no more tears; it also takes courage hold back those tears. It takes courage to admit when you are vulnerable; it also takes courage to dig deep and be strong. It takes courage to try and forge ahead with a new life; it also takes courage to accept that life will never be the same. It takes courage to be kind when somebody is insensitive; it also takes courage to not be. It takes courage to admit your fears; it takes even more to face them.

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow.”  ― Mary Anne Radmacher.

My wish for you (and for myself if truth be told)--no matter what life has thrown at you- is to find some courage today. If not today, maybe tomorrow.

"A Blessing"

I saw this today on Erica Staab's website (Her site is pretty awesome. The original post can be found here http://ericastaab.com/2012/10/05/a-blessing/). It was exactly what I needed to hear today and wanted to share with you-- in case you needed a blessing too. 

A Blessing

May the light of your soul guide you
May the light of your soul bless the work you do with the secret love and warmth of your heart.
May you see in what you do the beauty of your own soul.
May the sacredness of your work bring healing, light and renewal to those who work with you and to those who see and receive your work.
May your work never weary you.
May it release within you wellsprings of refreshment, inspiration and excitement.
May you be present in what you do.
May you never become lost in the bland absences.
May the day never burden.
May dawn find you awake and alert, approaching your new day with dreams, possibilities and promises.
May evening find you gracious and fulfilled.
May you go into the night blessed, sheltered and protected.
May your soul calm, console and renew you.

John O’Donohue

Shaken and shattered: 10,000 reasons for gratitude

For my mom’s birthday last February, I gave her a book titled Your Best Life Begins Each Morning by Joel Osteen. It’s one of those little devotional books that are meant to be read each morning of the year. On each page is a short verse followed by an inspirational pep-talk by the author which is supposed to help you get the most and best out of every day. I knew the power that a positive mindset can bring to any situation and I wanted my mom to experience the same thing.

I don’t know how much she read through the book but I know she did for a while. I remember her calling me to tell me how much she loved it and how strange that it seemed like every day that she read from it, she got just the right message to get her day off to a good start.

A couple of weeks after the accident, I came across the book. I asked my dad if I could have it (he said of course) and I brought it home. I was hoping that I would be lucky enough get the right message every morning because as we were all beginning to return to our regular lives, inspiration was getting very hard to come by.

I am really not sure what I was expecting to discover in the pages of this book but nonetheless, I opened it up one morning and began to read. The title was for that day was “An Attitude of Gratitude.” I read through it, not really inspired, but kept an open mind anyways. Maybe the next day’s message would be a little better.

Day two of the reading was about giving thanks again. Okay, same theme. “I get the message,” I thought flippantly to myself and went about my day. I returned to the office for the first time since the accident and got through the day quite peacefully. I began the drive home and started to reflect on the day's events. I realized that I had gotten through it without a major crying episode. Awesome! Thoughts of my mom, Michelle, and Julia were always at the forefront of my mind but I had made it through. Maybe going back to “real” life would be easier than I thought. Then, I turned on the radio. . .

The song “10,000 Reasons” by Matt Redman (Here's the song! 10,000 reasons) was just beginning to play. This song was sung at Michelle and Julia’s funeral. This is the song that reduces me to tears every single time I hear it. Instantly I began to sob. I remember looking up to the sky through blinding tears saying, “Really, really?” Can I have one day of peace? Just one? Why the constant reminders of the most painful experience ever? What was there, really, to be grateful for when our family had just suffered such a traumatic loss?

On day three the reading was incredibly about gratitude, AGAIN! In fact, the last line of the message for the day was this, “Until you have a grateful attitude, you are going to stay right where you are.” Are you kidding me? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I began wallowing in a pool of self-pity, mumbling to myself about how easy it to be thankful when things are going your way. Even if your life isn’t exactly what you were hoping for at the moment, it is still easy to find gratitude when your problems weren’t as big as death. How can you compare something like job loss (like in the book) to a tragic loss of life?

Later that day, I was searching for some paperwork and I came across a memory book that my mom had completed years ago, a book I totally had forgotten that I had. Of course the tears came again along with the waves of self-pity. The icing on the pity cake came later that night when I was looking for something in my nightstand and I came across an old billfold. I opened it to find Julia’s birth announcement and one of her first baby pictures staring me in the face. Wow, the reminders of them were E-V-E-R-Y-W-H-E-R-E. Every single time I turned around it seems, I was reminded of the HUGE hole in my heart that was created by their untimely deaths. What was there to be thankful for?

Well, you can probably guess what the reading for day four was. Yep, gratitude and changing your attitude. This time though, I actually stopped to really think and reflect. I changed all of the perceived negatives from those last two days to positives--how extremely lucky I was to have a beautiful song that reminded me of my sister-in-law, how amazingly fortunate I was to have this treasure of a book written by my mom, and how incredibly blessed I was to be the aunt of such a beautiful little girl. I began to look at life again through a more gracious lens. I finally got the message. It had been right all along.

You see, in the days immediately following the accident, we were incredibly grateful. We were grateful for the brave man that rescued my nephew, grateful for the rescue workers, grateful for the doctors and nurses, grateful for each other, and grateful for family and friends. Most of all, we were grateful that my nephew’s life was spared. Gratitude--despite the terrible loss--came pretty easily. It was only now, upon my attempted return to a new normal, that my gratitude had left the building. I had briefly abandoned the “attitude of gratitude” that I practiced pre-accident, an attitude that had carried me through some pretty rough times before. I knew in order find a state of gratefulness I would have to consciously choose gratitude until it became second nature. I would have to make that gracious choice again and again regardless of how difficult that choice seemed at the time.

Thankfully, even though I still resort to an ungrateful attitude for brief moments-like when I reach for my phone to call my mom, make mental note of something I need to add to my list to tell Michelle, or see something that Jules would have loved--I immediately go to gratitude and the self-pity goes away. Not that my sorrow is any less, but I know in my heart that gratitude leads to hope, and hope leads to a promise of a better day.

The next time you are struggling with something, no matter what it is, I challenge you find something in your situation to be grateful for. It doesn’t matter what it is, if it is big or small, but find something, ONE thing. Practice gratitude every day, day in and day out, whether it seems logical or not. You may not be instantly lifted from a desperate situation but I promise--I promise--you will find a ray of hope. And sometimes, that is all we need to face another day. 

Shaken and shattered. . .

Our family (except for my niece Jenna who lives in Florida) on July 4, 2012.
This would be our last family picture.

The crash site on Highway 12 between Willmar and Kandiyohi, MN. 

Our family after my niece and sister-in-law's funeral on August 24, 2012.
We mustered smiles through the tears. . .

For those of you reading this that might not know my family’s story, I’ll give to you in a nutshell. On August 17, 2012 my mom, sister-in-law, and eight-year old niece were killed when a drunk driver hit their vehicle head on.  My mom and sister-in-law died on impact. My niece and my then five-year old nephew were rescued from the vehicle by a bystander who bravely entered the van as it was beginning to burn. Both my niece and nephew were airlifted to a metro-area trauma center. My nephew survived with minor injuries. My niece died later that night despite a courageous effort by rescue personnel to save her precious life. In an instant, our family was shattered--ripped apart--shaken to the very core of our being.

To write about the accident seems so surreal. They had been shopping, to a movie, and were on their way home. It was only a few minutes after 9:00 p.m. Drunk drivers aren’t supposed to be on the road then. Tragedy like this isn’t supposed to happen EVER. How is this even possible? I have tried to wrap my head around this a million times and I can’t. This can’t be real! It’s like a never-ending nightmare except that you are very awake and the pain is very real. The pain is SO very real. . .

We have talked several times over the last five weeks how time seems to magically stand still yet at the same time flies. It seems like just yesterday we were planning our last big family get together (which was to be August 19) before my brother and his family were to return to Oman for another school year--yet, it seems like a lifetime since we have heard their voices, seen their smiles, and felt their warmth. The weeks immediately following the accident are a blur of people, funerals, and burials--a blur of overwhelming grief and despair.

I knew almost immediately after the accident that I would eventually share some of the things that I have experienced (and have yet to experience) as our family begins to put the pieces of our lives back together. As a person that works in advocacy, I know the power that sharing stories and experiences lends to healing. I know that I am not alone in my pain and I know that what I will share from my experiences will in turn help others along their own path of healing.

I also know that what I share now and in the future is my own. I can't speak for everyone in our family because we are all different and have all experienced different losses. I know my own pain but I don’t know what my brother is experiencing after the loss of his wife, daughter, and mother. I don’t know what my dad is experiencing after losing his wife, daughter-in-law, and granddaughter. I don’t know what my nephews are experiencing after the loss of their mother, sister, and grandmother. I don’t know what my kids are experiencing after the loss of their grandmother, aunt, and young cousin. I don’t know what my other brother is experiencing even though we both lost our mother, sister-in-law, and niece. And so it goes on. . .each of us has our own pain and our own healing to experience. We each need to heal as individuals; yet, we also need to heal collectively as a family. We are--as individuals and as a family--forever changed.

There are so many things that I have jotted down over the last month or so that I was a bit overwhelmed as where to start. But, as I looked things over, there are a few things that have really been constant throughout this journey so far. I will no doubt be writing extensively about each one in the future. For now though, I’ll keep it short. If you have followed any of my Facebook posts, some of this will sound familiar. . .

• Faith, family, and friends will carry you through the darkest of days. I really, really can’t stress that enough! I have said it many times over the past few weeks and will say it again and again in the future.
• The power of prayer is truly uplifting. Not only have I been uplifted spiritually but there were times during that first week or so that I physically felt the waves of prayers being sent to our family. (Yes, I physically felt the power of prayer. Yes, that may sound crazy to some. And, in case you are wondering, it’s a pretty awesome feeling.)
• Angels do exist. I have believed in angels my entire life and now I have seen them. I have felt the arms of these angels wrap around me and hold me tight in the depths of my despair.
• Hugs heal. The healing power in a hug is pretty amazing. A loving hug from a person can warm your heart and soul..
• You can never say “I love you” enough. You never know when your time on earth is up.
• The experience of sudden loss opens your heart to the pain of others. Several times over my life I have felt pain when somebody suffers a tragic loss, but now, I experience that pain differently. I know that some of my friends reading this have experienced great loss in their lives over the past year or so. My heart goes out to you now more than ever.
• Priorities change. More on that later.
• Gratitude! I have never felt so grateful in my entire life. I know, it may seem strange to some, but I’ve experienced a “gratitude awakening” of sorts. Even though it is really difficult (actually impossible) to be grateful some days, I have found that when I look at life through a gracious lens, it becomes so much clearer.
• Grief is a beast that will devour your soul if you don’t seek out joy to counteract it. I have learned that it is possible to live a paradoxical world of deep sorrow and of great joy. Despite the terrific loss our family has experienced, we have also experienced joy at times over the last few weeks.
• Life is a gift. I still cry every single day. I think about them every moment, yet, go on. We have to go on because life goes on.

To all of you reading that have been with my family throughout this painful time-- I am pretty sure that I can speak for all of us when I say that our hearts are filled with deep, unending  gratitude. Every thought, word, prayer, and hug has been a blessing. We can’t thank you enough. Please keep the prayers coming.

I don’t know where this journey will take me but I pray that along the way somebody will be comforted by my words, by my experiences, and by my love. No matter what you are experiencing in life right now, know that you are not alone. 

Calvin's adventure-- So thankful for kind people!

Calvin, my sassy, stubborn dog!

As I sit down to write this, I am procrastinating going on a run. So far, it's working great!

Fast forward to three hours later. . .

It dawned on me when I sat down to write this morning that if I could create time to write, I could surely get my butt out there to run. I would probably write better after a head-clearing run anyways, so I got dressed, procrastinated a little more, then finally leashed up my dogs and headed out. I figured I would warm up by walking them and then head back out for a couple more miles.

When I walk my dogs I like to take them to a trail that runs behind the nearby creek-- it's only three blocks from my house. My dogs drag me down the streets until we get to the trail where they know they can run free. The trail itself is about a 1/2 mile each way so it's the perfect distance for me to warm up and for them to burn off some energy. Plus, I don't have to worry about them getting hit by a car. It's as perfect as it gets being a dog owner that lives in town.

The dogs and I have a routine. Usually, it's down and back and then home again. Sometimes, we do the trail twice. Today, I decided to do the trail twice. It was so nice outside! Besides, I love watching the dogs run and play, and after all, I was busy procrastinating a run so why not do another lap, right?

For those of you that don't know my dogs, I have a giant lab named Deke. He loves to run the creek trail. He hunts up birds, chases rabbits, and usually gets a swim in. He would run the trail as many times as he could. He sounds like a horse galloping down the trail (yes, he's that big.)

My other dog is Calvin. He is a 10-year old Westie with a sassy, stubborn streak. He loves to walk and run. In fact, when we bring him hiking in a nearby nature area, he will walk for hours without tiring- most of the time trying to lead the way. For some unknown reason though, when walking the creek trail that we were on today, he only likes to do one lap. Several times he's tried to skip out on the second lap by looking at me and then running the opposite way. I usually have to chase him down,  grab his leash, and coax him back down the trail. Today though, he looked at me, rolled his eyes (yes, dogs can do that), turned around, and followed me with no problem. In retrospect, I should have known better. . .

10 minutes later when I got to the end of the trail and turned around, I realized Calvin was no where in sight. I didn't panic immediately because sometimes he walks really slow (pouting because he had to do two laps) and waits for me to head back. Sometimes he emerges from the treeline after sniffing something out. This time though, he was nowhere to be found.

I looked at Deke and told him to find Calvin. He snooped around. Nothing! The little sh** was gone! He was gone! I hurried back towards home expecting him to pop out of the trees or just be lying there on the ground waiting for me with a big doggie smirk on his face but he wasn't.

I got home, hopped on my bike, and headed back to the trail. I checked out the creek, rode the trail twice, checked the creek again-- no dog.

I rode around the neighborhood expecting to see him nosing around, as he has been known to do when he escapes, but nothing. I got my son from work and we headed back down to the creek. We checked the trail again as well as the nearby cornfield. Finally, a lady that lives by the creek asked if we were looking for a small white dog. "Yes!" I exclaimed.

She told me that somebody had picked him up and brought him to the vet clinic or the police department. Can you say R-E-L-I-E-F?

I called the PD and left a message as they weren't on duty yet. A little while later, some wonderful people that live around the block from us drove up and knocked on the door. "Are you missing a dog?" she asked.

I hopped in their van with them and went to pick up Calvin. He was as sassy as ever, like nothing unusual had happened. I walked him home and when we got there, he wanted to keep walking. Really dog?

So, from what we could figure out, he turned around and followed me down the trail for a little while. Then he must have decided he was heading home. The people that found him said he was sitting by the side of the road. They stopped, he hopped right in their van, and took off with them! He must have figured he was getting a ride home. This all happened in about 10 minutes. What a dog!

For those of you that know me, and know this dog, you will know that it is totally possible for me to lose a dog while walking it. For those that don't know me (or do) and think I must be a dumb-ass, I will give you that. It's deserved.

All's well that ends well though. Thanks to Pat G. for easing my mind and letting me know that my dog was safe and a HUGE thank you to the Hasbrooks for rescuing my dog and going out of your way to make sure he got home. Thanks also to the CCPD for following up with me. There is nothing like a small town when it comes to kindness.

Calvin is now snoozing comfortably after his adventure. I plan to join him. The run? I think it can wait.

Well hello blog, it's been a while. . .

I LOVE THIS! Be a traveler :)

Well, hello blog! It has been a while! Oh my gosh, I can't believe it has been almost three months since the last time I actually sat down to write something. Boy, it's been a crazy summer! 

After leaving the newspaper business back in May, I vowed I was going to blog and work on my writing skills diligently. Apparently, I needed a break--or was just lazy-- who knows?

I am happy to report, break time is over folks! Let the blogging begin. . . 

P.S. A shout out to my incredible nephew Joey who turns 12 today! We love you Joe! Have a great day!

Life is...

“Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it.” 
― Mother Teresa

 Photo from: http://www.flickr.com/photos/bajy/6285579138